People often feel very alone in their life struggles. It can feel as if nobody really understands our situation, or the painful feelings we are experiencing. Sometimes we feel voiceless. You might notice an unconscious gesture that people make when they place their hand over their throat, as if to signify a blockage. You might notice people whose voice is very quiet or flat, sometimes just a whisper, and it contains little energy.
The supported dialogue method, enhanced with somatic compassion, gives each person the opportunity to be really heard, witnessed and understood. The method is simple: just invite the person to talk about their troubles.
It really can be as simple as that. Somatic compassion allows people to be deeply reflective and insightful and they will often come to new perspectives or start to solve problems when you offer your support and patiently listen. Don’t be tempted to offer advice, just let people work stuff out for themselves.
This is how we can provide additional support:
1. Emotional empathy
As the person shares their story, watch carefully and notice changes in their facial expression, the tone of their voice, their gestures, body posture, and emotional indicators like tears in the eyes. All of these give you clues about the changing emotional feelings that the other person is experiencing as they tell their story.
The gift of empathy is to relay back the feelings that you notice. Thus, to respond with phrases like, “You must have felt so angry about that.”
When someone else notices our feelings and names them, we instantly feel understood and supported, and the intensity of the painful feeling diminishes.
Empathy is a natural human capacity, displayed even by small children. We have specialised neurones in our brain called ‘mirror neurones’ that can rapidly interpret all the subtle signs of emotion in another person and allow us to intuit what the feeling is.
Sometime we misinterpret the emotion but if we feedback, using a simple phrase, then the person will quickly correct us if we haven’t interpreted the feeling accurately. Just repeating back the new word will allow the person to feel respected and understood, so being corrected is actually an opportunity for support, not a problem.
2. Cognitive empathy
In addition to noticing feelings, we can also convey our understanding of the person’s difficult situation. Thus, in the story Susan told to Joan about her difficult boss, Joan could repeat back her understanding of the story. “So, your boss criticised your work in front of the whole team, even though you had done nothing wrong!” and “He keeps ignoring you in meetings.”
“Yes! That’s exactly what he does!” affirms Susan. She feels as if Joan really ‘gets it’.
3. Emotional validation
Joan could then validate Susan’s feelings. “I can understand why you felt humiliated when he criticised your work in front of the whole team. It’s like he was telling off a naughty child. No wonder you were so upset!” and “It’s so horrible when you have something to contribute but the boss keeps ignoring you. I can understand why it feels so stressful at work.”
Validation goes beyond empathy because it not only allows the feeling to be acknowledged but also give the person the sense that they were justified and reasonable to have those feelings, and that you completely understand their experience of the event (even if you would not have reacted in the same way). The bullying boss is completely dismissive of Susan’s concerns but Joan is validating Susan’s experience and feelings, allowing her to feel understood and supported.
To learn more, here’s a great article about emotional validation.
How the process unfolds
The method is simple: just engage the person in conversation about their troubles, while you apply the affective touch. While being skilled in empathy and emotional validation will help, you can offer immense support just by being present and listening. The rapid brain changes will allow the person to become more insightful and reflective and often they will spontaneously discover helpful new perspective, let go of judgment, and feel more understanding and compassion towards those they are in conflict with.
Just be curious, ask the person to explain more about the situation, gently encourage, and listen carefully. If you can empathise with, and validate feelings and difficulties, that will help the process.
If you observe carefully, you may notice a shift in the person’s energy and a willingness to look at a situation in a different way. You might ask then to tap into their inner wisdom and find solutions.
Occasionally, a traumatic story will emerge so then switch over to the Strengths Method.
If there are a lot of painful feelings, you can step into the Mindful noticing of feelings.
Feel free to be creative, weave the different methods together, and respond to what is happening in the person you are supporting.