Introduction
As a result of past life experiences, we often carry a heavy load of painful feelings, such as anger, irritation, distress, pain, hurt, abandonment, rejection, anxiety, fear, panic, depression, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, feeling trapped, not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, etc.
These painful feelings may be accompanied by chronic physical feelings of muscle tension, gut discomfort, back pain, neck pain, tension headaches, fatigue, exhaustion, sore muscles. If the load of stress is high the person might experience mental exhaustion, poor memory, difficulty in concentrating, and other symptoms.
Almost all of these feelings belong to the past, not the present moment, but they are subconsciously re-triggered by sensory information from our surroundings, by or our thoughts and ruminations. This a source of stress, for instance when entering the workplace we might notice we feel physically tense.
It’s as if we are carrying around a heavy bucket full of painful feelings that weighs us down and adds to our unhappiness, our anxiety and depression. We often feel alone in this suffering and that nobody really understands what we are experiencing.
However, a simple process, using somatic compassion combined with mindfulness, can allow us to notice, name, and release our painful feelings. The end result is that we feel lighter, less burdened, more hopeful, and become more patient and less reactive.
Mindfulness
Very often, we are caught up in our thoughts and feelings and don’t stop to notice what is happening in our minds. Mindfulness invites us to slow down our over-active mind through simple practices, such as witnessing our breathing. In that calmer state, if we pay attention to our minds we will notice that thought and feelings arise, one after another. As we observe this process, we realise that we have a higher level of consciousness beyond our thoughts. This is our true essence.
The mindful process of working with feelings is to pay particular attention to each physical feeling and to let go of the story we are spinning about why we feel angry, hurt or resentful. With mindful attention to the physical nature of the feeling, the intensity of the feeling will often rapidly diminish.
While the practice or meditation can increase our skills in slowing the mind and noticing what is happening, it can be a difficult practice for the beginner. We all have a ‘monkey mind’ that jumps to new thought and feelings, despsite our best efforts. However, the method of somatic compassion rapidly puts us in an altered brain state where we become calmer, more insightful, and can notice both emotional and physical feelings without attaching them to a story.
The method
Somatic compassion is begun with continual soothing touch. The person being supported is invited to notice their emotional and physical feelings and to name them by repeating the words out loud. Thus the person noticing anxiety might say, “Anxious, anxious anxious…” and will notice that the feeling diminishes as it is spoken. The support person verbally acknowledges and validates each feeling by repeating the word back to the person, while enhancing the process with somatic compassion.
The person being supported is asked not to explain the feelings, or tell the story, just to concentrate on the feeling they notice in the present moment, and to keep repeating the word for it, out loud. Often a sequence of feelings emerges.
Thus the person may say, “Anxious, anxious, anxious, anxious, scared, scared, scared, scared, alone, alone, alone, alone, anxious, anxious, anxious, calmer, calmer, tired, tired, tired, relaxing, relaxing, calm, calm.“
The only job of the support person is to maintain their compassionate presence, continuously perform the soothing touch to the face and arms, and to acknowledge each new expression of feeling. Thus, in the example above, the supprt person might acknowledge, “Anxious… scared… alone… anxious… calmer… tired… relaxing… calm.” They encourage the person to keep noticing feelings and naming them out loud, either emotional feelings or physical feelings. The person is asked to notice and name both negative and positive feelings. The feelings may emerge in waves, thus after the person is calm for a minute, some more painful feelings might emerge.
If the support person is patient, and maintains their comforting presence and touch, the painful feelings will often resolve, leaving the other person feeling calmer and unburdened.
If there is no end to the litany of painful feelings, you can bring the process to a close by asking the person to share a memory of a happier time, which they will be able to do easily in their relaxed and supported frame of mind.
Don’t reassure!
A person might start expressing painful feelings such as “stupid” or “not good enough” or “unlovable” and it is tempting to try to reassure the person that they are not stupid. However, if you try to reassure the person, in effect you are invalidating their feelings and they will feel less heard and understood. Counter-intuitive though it may seem, it’s much more comforting for a person to feel that someone else really understands how bad they feel. This is the skill of emotional validation.
Broaden and build
In the book, ‘Positivity‘ by Barbara Fredrickson, who is a renowned psychologist and neuroscientist, she explains how the mind can expand possibilities in an upward spiral of broadened perceptions and greater possibility, when we alter the ratio of positive to negative feelings. You will witness this phenomenon when supporting people in this process of releasing negative feelings: they become more hopeful, perceive more opportunities, and start to notice their genuine sense of being a good person. Sometimes, people notice strong positive feelings, such as “worthy” and will speak this out loud with a sense of a renewed discovery about themselves.
If you notice that the person is expressing negative self-beliefs with feelings like, “unworthy, not good enough, unlovable, etc.,” then you can use the method of Positive Questions, which always begin with the words, “What if I…?” to challenge these negative self beliefs. Thus you might ask the person to repeat out loud a number of times, with a sense of curiosity, “What if I am good enough?“
Summary
This method helps to create a bridge between the person’s inner worlds and external reality and by acknowledging their feelings, increases self-awareness and self-compassion. Speaking the feelings out loud allows them to be released, rather than being caught up in endless ruminations.
For a good article on emotional awareness from Positive Psychology see here.