First seek permission
While an empathetic rub to the upper arm of another person is socially acceptable, a soothing stroke to the face is usually seen an as intimate gesture, reserved for our loved ones. Therefore, somatic compassion must not be practiced without the explicit permission of the person you are supporting.
You must first explain exactly how you are going to apply the touch:
1) Soothing and firm strokes on the person’s upper arms from the shoulder down to the elbow (it works through clothing also).
2) With the fingertips of both hands you stroke from the centre of the forehead down the side of the face. If the person prefers, you can use more of the flat of the hand to increase the skin contact. It should be a gentle, soothing stroke.
3) Using the backs of your fingers of both hands, you can stroke the person’s cheeks, from the nose towards the angle of the jaw.
If touch to the face feels awkward, or the person prefers not to be touched there, just apply the strokes to the person’s upper arms.
Briefly explain the science of the touch
Explain the reason for offering these very specific forms of touch – that science has identified specialised nerves in the skin of these areas, which when detecting a soothing touch can rapidly change the brain function to create feelings of connection, safety and calm, and also reduce stress responses. For a reminder of the science, see here.
Also point out that these forms of touch are deeply part of our human evolution and are natural and intuitive.
Explain exactly how you are going to do the touch
While the touch in somatic compassion can feel quite intimate, you will position yourself so that the person you are supporting feels comfortable and safe, and avoid any suggestion of sexual touch.
In this illustration you can see that the man is sitting to the right hand side of the person he is touching and there is open space in front of the woman. Although their legs are side-by-side, he has left a gap so that their thighs are not touching.
Having explained the position, he started at a distance and asked permission to move closer. He then asked to touch the arms and checked that was OK, then asked to touch the face, checking that was OK too.
Getting past the ‘icky’ factor
While the touch may seem awkward at first, especially with someone you haven’t met before, we know from experience that people relax very quickly. The combination of compassionate presence and soothing touch very quickly trigger brain changes so that both of you feel calm, safe and connected. Once you start talking, most people forget they are being touched at all!
Seek the person’s preferences
Ask about the comfort of the touch, whether the person would like it firmer or lighter. On the face, the person might like to be touched just on the bare skin, or for the stroke to touch the edge of the hair. Ask if the the person has any tender or sore areas that they want you to avoid.
Practical considerations:
1. Make sure the clothing is appropriate.
Affective touch to the arms will be ineffective if the person is wearing a heavy jacket or coat but stroking through a single layer of clothing is fine. If the person is a woman wearing a top with a very wide opening at the neck, the garment may start to fall off the shoulder and start to expose her chest. Ask the person to put on a more modest top, or else place a scarf over the shoulders to cover them.
2. Get long hair out of the way.
Even a single strand of hair falling over the shoulder will get uncomfortably tugged as you apply the touch to the arm. So ask the person to gather their long hair away from the shoulders, or tie it up.
3. Ask the person to remove their glasses or large hoop earrings.
You need to be able to stroke the face without encountering physical barriers.
4. Get comfortable!
Make sure you are both comfortable. You can use office chairs, which allow you to adjust your height and position easily. Invite the person you are supporting to adjust their chair, use a cushion, or other adjustments for their comfort.
5. Hand hygiene.
Viruses are commonly transmitted from face to hand, and visa versa. Wash your hands before and after applying touch, or else use alcohol based hand gel to sterilise your hands.
Alternative positions
If you have a massage table you can perform somatic compassion with the person lying down. Make sure they are comfortable with a pillow under the head and, if necessary, a bolster behind the knees to take pressure of the back.
Alternatively, you can place the person on a high stool (preferably with a back support) and apply the touch while standing, either in front of them or behind them. In general, being able to maintain eye contact and watch the person’s face is preferable.